I believe in Joy

I believe in Joy
I believe in laughing out loud
I believe in dancing in the rain
I believe in chocolate
I believe in girlfriends
I believe in singing at the top of your register
I believe in small smiles of triumph
I believe in solo dance parties
I believe in screams of jubilee
I believe in Joy

Support Grou-I mean-Strategic Culture

As many people already know, and they probably do because I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut when I'm going through something, I've been in a class called Strategic Culture. It's a primary research course in which we are attempting to answer policy questions through a cultural lens. We look at four aspects of culture. Identity, how they see themselves. Values, the things that they truly value. Norms, the accepted actions and in contrast, the unacceptable actions. And Perceptual Lens, so how the group sees itself and others on the global stage.

Anyway, It's a really cool class that gives us a clear view of what an analyst really does at the CIA. So we've been researching our topics for about two months now and about four weeks ago Jeannie came into class and told us "You're all going to D.C. with me". She informed us that we had been invited to D.C. for a mini conference to present our research to relevant people who are interested.

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Anyway so we've all be working super hard to get our research in order, start writing the papers (none of us really have), and put together our presentations. So every class became, quite literally, a support group.

Walking into class every day was another opportunity to figure out where everyone else was and then not feel as bad because no one else had really started either. It was also an opportunity to bounce ideas off of one another.

As the youngest in this class (when am I not?), it has been a complete growing experience. I've had mentor's and proofreaders *cough* Molly *cough*. people who have supported me from across the country *cough* Sam *cough* and people who have put up with my "stained-glass" window.

But I think the most important group of people are those in my class, because venting sessions are the best kind of therapy.

Blessed Beyond my Comprehension

You wouldn't know it by the picture above, but today I turned 20. I was reflecting this morning in my prayers on the blessings of those 20 years. As I expressed to my Heavenly Father my gratitude, I realized that most of my blessings came in the form of people. As I thanked my Heavenly Father for my family,  roommates, future roommates, missionary friends, high school friends, Bridgerland friends and work friends, I came to one conclusion:

I have indeed been mightily blessed.

I have been blessed with a family that loves me so much. For a mother, father and brother who decided to text bomb me the exact minute I turned 20. Blessed with another brother and sister who tell me I'm old and make sure I know it. My family are my biggest cheerleaders. My parents are my biggest, strongest supporters. I am so grateful that I have them a phone call away. My Mom and I have become best friends since I moved away. It's incredible to me how many internet tests I take and my mom is the person who should be my travel buddy, sister etc.

My Grandparents, both sets are incredible as well. There is not a day that goes by that I am not thankful for them, for their support and their unconditional love. My aunts, uncles and cousins who without a doubt love me. It doesn't help that I'm their oldest, and therefore first niece :).

I'm blessed with roommates who are incredible. They always know what little thing I need that day. And there are times when I no longer feel like I can move forward and then Alexis will say something that will buoy me up, or Tasha will freak out about spiders. Megan and I will share a geek moment. Talisha and I will tease Tasha. Or Ashley will make me laugh. And then it's all better. They are my rock. and there hasn't been a day when I wasn't grateful for their love and support. We got put together for a reason, and that reason was we each needed each other.

Krysta and I share the same obsession with Star Wars and methinks that means our relationship was meant to be. She's the Rey to my BB-8 (she can understand me when I'm unintelligible). Amy (Our R2D2) knows how to make me smile and Emilee is unfailingly kind. Knowing that we will get to be roommates next year gives me no end of comfort and joy. I am so excited and so happy that they are in my life.

 

It is incredible each Sunday and Monday to receive several emails full of experience and spiritual insight from each of my missionary friends. Even more wonderful is to feel close to them as I kneel down and pray for their well-being and success each night. I am grateful for strong friends in high school that became incredibly strong missionaries. And they start to come home soon, so that's crazy.

Even from Provo, there are three girls I simply would never have been the same without. Never. I would have been lost and alone. I would not know who I am. They have helped me find me. there are not many places in my life where I can be completely myself with no reservations. With Ashley, Alicia and Mary I can be. I can be completely myself and completely safe. I love them deeply. Our friendship is something that will not die because I will not let it. I am so exceedingly grateful for them. For their love. For their friendship.

And the Bridgerland group. I am so grateful for the summer when I was losing friends and was forced to go out and make new ones. For W-1/30 who reached out with open arms and accepted me. Who let me be me and loved who I was. Who talked with me about literally everything from dating (the eternal curse of the singles) to politics. Who purposely get me started on rants about Trump cuz they think its funny.

Brandon, Tyler, and Stew who are simply good people and who care for and about people. Who accept everyone and anyone, because they are amazing.

I'm grateful for Maren, my forever Valentine. The woman with whom I can do weird things like awkward hand holds and hugs and it's not awkward cuz it's just us. Camille who is literally the kindest woman I have ever met, save Alexis (Sorry Camille). She is always worried about everyone and I love that about her. Emily who is an incredible woman who knows how to care and how to laugh.

I'm grateful for Derek, Trevor, Josh, Chet and Jaimee. Each who have an amazing ability to make you trust and know that they truly care.

I'm grateful for the people I work with. The people who make it joyful and wonderful to come to work each day. Who challenge me on a daily basis and pick up the slack when I fall short. Who make me laugh and put up with my quotes, and my snark.

On this, the 20th day of my birth, I am incredible grateful and incredibly blessed to have so many people who have unequivocally loved me. Who have watched out for me, and who have cared for me.

Today Alexis gave me something that caused me to cry, and that was a little booklet of notes. She had taken the time to go to my work, to each of my roommates and to Bridgerland. Where she asked each of these groups to write notes for me. I cried. Each of the notes was something personal. Some inside joke. Or some political campaign they'll run for me someday. I am so incredibly blessed to have these people in my life who make me happy. Who make sure I smile. and who make sure I know I am loved.

Last year I had the worst birthday on record.

This year I had the best.

And it didn't come packaged in boxes or bows. It came packaged in great love. In people. And in gratitude. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Life-Long Friends, and other BAAM nonsense

Growing up I always was envious of the people who had friends that they made when they were two and they kept for the rest of their lives. Those people who were just always friends. And I never had that.

I grew up with my parents who kept in touch with only one or two friends from High School. Whenever Trent was in town, or we were in Arizona we made sure to spend some time with his family. And we took trips out of our way to visit Annalise in Vernal. When we went back East it was Heather we visited. And when we wanted to do something nice for Mom last year we sent here to Scituate to visit Heather for a full week. I always wanted a friendship like that.

This morning I woke up and realized that that relationship was literally sitting, standing, and sleeping right in front of me.  I realized that what I have with Ashley, Alicia and Mary isn't a passing ship in the night. They are my Heather, Trent and Annalise. They are my life long friends and honestly it's something we've had to work for.

Last year we got sick of relaying what was going on in one text convo to another, and one thing led to another so we decided to form a Facebook message group, which necessitated forcing Mary to make a Facebook. We literally talk on that thread every single day.

Skype conversations are pretty regular. We talk every couple of weeks in person, and on a constant, daily level through other means.

When Mary got married guess who were her bridesmaids? Us. (+ Katie)

And last year we decided to do a yearly get together where we just go away, just us girls. 

I've discovered that this kind of friendship doesn't just happen. You have to work for it, and you have to work hard for it. It doesn't happen overnight. and it doesn't happen in an instant. 

Mary, Alicia, Brigitte, Ashley

The best thing in life aren't things, and the best things in life don't stick just by accident. It takes effort, it takes love, it takes time (5 years here and counting). And it takes vulnerability. It takes admitting that you love one another and that sometimes you miss one another terribly. 

When you love somebody, you stick around, you talk, you take time. And you care unconditionally. They know your successes and your failures. They know everything. There are many reasons I love these girls. But knowing they always will have my back and will always be there, that tops the list.

I have found my life-long friends. and I'm a gonna keep 'em. Thankyouverymuch.

"Love is spelled T.I.M.E." -Dieter F Uchtdorf

My Valentine

I was looking at my bracelet today, it's one I wear often because Klarissa has one just like it except it says "Little Sis" where mine says "Big Sis".

Anyway, So I was looking at this bracelet I wear on my wrist as a constant reminder of my love for my siblings. And then I thought of Someone who loves us so much he has a permanent mark to remind himself of His love for us.

Our big brother has graven us upon the palms of His hands (1 Nephi 21:16), and if that isn't the greatest Valentine you've ever received I don't know what is.

So Happy Valentine's Day everyone, I hope you truly do remember the greatest Valentine you have ever received from our big Brother!

K-Pop, Why Not?

I've been listening to various forms of Korean Music for 3 days. K-pop, K boyband hysteria, K love ballads. Anything and everything. There's something strangely calming and soothing about the fact that you can't understand the words their singing. Plus I really love their instrumental music style.

That's all.

I'm Definitely Too Young For This

A year ago, on January 1, 2015, one of my very good friends from High School left this world. He left it on his own terms and left all of us shocked. Due to not having a car at the time I was unable to attend his funeral, and was left to deal with the loss of a friend without the support of my friends in person. They were only a call away, but that's not quite the same thing. It was for me a surreal, and sad time.

But I don't think I completely came to the realization that he was gone. I hadn't seen proof positive that he was gone and so I didn't want to believe he was gone. I would constantly have to remind myself that he truly was gone. That he wasn't still studying at the U, that he wasn't still playing his violin. That he wasn't still being condescending in his charming Dallin way.

They say the last step of grief is Acceptance, and I think I'm finally there. 

Today, for the first time in over a year, I found the courage, and a friend, to go visit his grave. With a little bit of help and a yellow rose we found Dallin's grave. I couldn't help feeling, as we wandered around that cemetery, that I was too young to be trying to find a friend's grave. I am only 19 and I was only 18 when he passed away. Ashley and I were too young to be in that cemetery searching for a friend. And then Ashley said "that's what our life is going to be from here on out"

"I guess you're right, weddings and funerals, although I do hope more weddings first."

When I first met Dallin it was in AP World History our Sophomore Year. For most of that year he was convinced I was a robot, and not a real girl

Because I didn't giggle. 

Dallin was a gifted violinist. He could  play anything at the drop of a hat and he could play it better and faster than you. Our Junior year we played Vivaldi's Summer, he was the soloist. And the rest of us groaned because the kid would play at Warp Speed and our fingers would struggle to keep up with his genius. The next year we did a fundraiser concert with all of the Four Seasons. Dallin once again played Summer, and all of us good-naturedly ribbed him about his speed. 

I still find it hard to listen to the Four Seasons without tears in my eyes.

Senior year I wanted a constant quartet to play with throughout the year. As soon as I started to consider it the name for 1st violinist was obvious. There were four of us, as a quartet would denote, and we would get together every Sunday to practice. It was a wonderful experience to be able to play with Dallin, Lauren and Dan every week. They were amazing. They are amazing. We played so many things together. We didn't just play the notes on the page. We made music. We made memories. 

I remember one Sunday when Dallin came with an idea that we should play Always by the Beatles. Well really that he and I should. He had been listening to the song over and over again. Painstakingly picking out the harmonies and melodies, did I mention he had perfect pitch? I ran into that hand written piece of music again earlier this year. He was good at what he did. 

Dallin and I would have long conversations over Facebook. Many life conversations. He made me think deeper than I wanted to. He made me consider aspects of things that I would never have on my own. Dallin's brain was different from mine, genius. He was a thinker, he saw things in life different from the way that I did, and it was fascinating. He wouldn't let me skate by on a "because that's the way it is" answer. He always asked me why. He was like a little kid that way. He never grew out of the "why" phase. And that was amazing. The kid had genius musically and logically, and it was inspiring, often frustrating, and generally enlightening. 

He was someone I shall not soon forget, and I am truly grateful to have known. 

Thank you Dallin, for making me think rather than skate. 

For helping me hear the music. 

For just being you. 

In Loving Memory of Dallin Joseph Shepherd

1996-2015

But If Not

Today on the car ride home from my parents I had a lengthy conversation with my Heavenly Father. I poured my heart out to Him in prayer. I told Him of my current fears, of my struggles. Of my recent triumphs, of my worries. I poured my heart out to Him, and He just listened and responded with little things I needed to hear. Then I told Him of my desire to Trust Him more completely. I have trust issues, I know this about myself. I fail to trust those around me completely and implicitly. I know I need to trust my Savior that way. I know I need to put my full trust in Him daily, because if not then I shall surely fail.

So as I sat down to read my scriptures tonight I was looking at the list of scriptures from Elder Garrett's Missionary letters, trying to decide which one to read. I was directed towards Daniel 3: 17-18 Which reads:

17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.

18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.

Daniel 3:17-18

I was struck by the phrase "But if not". I was inspired by the fact that, though these boys knew their God has power to deliver them, and faith that he would,  if He didn't chose to save them it wouldn't change their testimony. They trusted Him implicitly. They trusted that He had a larger view of the plan for them and that he would protect them or let them be martyrs as it suited his overarching plan. He loved them enough to do what was best for them.

I knew that I had heard that phrase "But if not" before in conference. So I decided to Google it. Three different talks came up, and I wrote them down for later study. Then I decided to read just one. "But If Not" by Dennis E Simmons given in April of 2004. As I started to read this talk I was filled with gratitude. This was exactly the answer I had been seeking as I prayed for strength and trust this morning. I was struck by this definition of faith:

They knew that faith is more than mental assent, more than an acknowledgment that God lives. Faith is total trust in Him.

Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does. Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not. Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on Him.

But If Not …:p6-p7

The footnote right before this definition is Mosiah 7:33. The moment I saw this footnote I knew that I have inspired friends. For, in his weekly letter home Elder Garrett only included one scripture this week, Mosiah 7:33, which I immediately felt I should read.

33 But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.

Mosiah 7:33

As I read this scripture my heart was filled (as well as my eyes). I knew that the Lord loved me so much. He inspired my friend to include that scripture. He directed me to read certain talks and scriptures that I needed tonight. I may not know the How yet. How to let myself trust implicitly, but I know that it begins with a desire. And I know the Lord hears and answers my prayers. That He is always diligent and He is always there. How I am thankful for Angels that watch over and protect me. For those who reach out to me and love me always. Who help me find those things I need and am hoping for. (“I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. … Always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.”Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

The Lord lives and Loves me. He will deliver me from all my fears. But if not, I know that He lives. That he is real and that there is a bigger meaning behind His leaving me to deal with all mine afflictions.

I will trust in the Lord. 

Music is my Tell All

Today I had some "extra" time while I waited for French, and I finally decided to go through my Spotify and get rid of the playlists that no longer fit me. It's been a long time coming. There were playlists I created this time last year that no longer fit me at all. In fact I avoid some of those playlists even though they have songs I love on them because they have other songs that just aren't me any more.

As I was doing this I started to think about my music listening habits. Admittedly I am one of the strangest music listeners you have ever met. My playlists are a strange conglomeration of about 6 different genres and a multiplicity of different artists. There are many who have commented on my strange music tastes.

However, I also go through phases. Literally every two weeks I fall in love with a new genre or group[ and I can listen to almost nothing but them. So quite frankly if you were to follow my listening habits you could probably track my emotional state, sometimes.

Take, for example, last spring. I was listening almost non stop to electro swing Caro Emerald and 21-pilots. I realized today that I was slightly depressed last spring. It wasn't clinical, and it didn't last very long, probably a month. But I was depressed. I identified with the melancholy found in those lyrics. A melancholy I no longer identify with and actually sometimes makes me highly uncomfortable.

Now Caro Emerald wouldn't lead you to believe that I was uncharacteristically sad, down and melancholic last spring, but 21-pilots certainly would.

Anyway. Music is a tell all to my current mood. I go through stages about love, and all I listen to is Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Michael Bublé and Dean Martin.

I go through movie music phases, I don't know what they say about my mood. Actually currently in that phase.

I go through cello loving phases. Well, okay that's not a phase. That's an always.

I go through Broadway phases, opera phases. I go through pop phases and classical music phases.

My music is as diverse as my personality and my many moods. But one thing stays constant.

Music is always.

"Music is what feelings sound like"