An Actual Hello Walk

When I took my first ever tour of USU, the day before I had to make a decision about where I was going to go to college, the tour guide, one of them ambassador people, told us about the hello walk. The Hello Walk is the sidewalk that starts at Old Main and extends across the majority of campus. The tour guide told us that day that it was named so because you can't walk along it without seeing someone you know.

That day I scoffed. I did not think that would happen. Because I didn't know people. I thought to myself that day that I would never say hello to someone on that walk way, because how would I know anyone in a school, of what, 5,000 people? There was no way on this green earth I was going to know anyone.

And that was the truth for most of my first year up on campus, I maybe saw two people I recognized on that walk. My prediction was coming true. (Also P.S. Davis people, they say USU is a second Davis, but I beg to differ. I've met more Morgan people up here than I've seen Davis people. That is somewhat changing because missionaries are getting back, but I don't see as many Davis Darts as we are all led to believe).

However, I forgot that being social, or trying to be anyway, leads to friends and to knowing people. I have been amazed in the last week and half as this new year has dawned, at the contrast between my two years.

This year there has not been a day where I didn't see someone I recognized on that little strip of cement. And a normal day consists of seeing two or three, and carrying on a couple conversations. This is a complete departure from my year last year, where I hardly knew anyone.

Now I see people everywhere I know and love. College has given me the greatest experiences in broadening my friendships and my horizons. I have friends from last year I'm still in touch with even though they live in D.C. I mean just last night we had a wonderful conversation about the Iran Deal. Which I realized I need to actually read (ahem, sorry Sam for the lack of good conversation).

The Lord works in mysterious ways my friends and He knew that I needed friends, and that I needed to be surrounded by good people and see them everywhere and everyday. He will look out for you too.

So the Hello Walk is for real, I actually say hi, and I try to look up and see the people and sites in front of me. I encourage you to do the same, because the prettiest things are often right in front of us, if only we take a moment to look up, and see.

I Didn't Choose this Club

Tonight I mentioned to some friends that I had a meeting with the rest of the Relief Society Presidents in my stake in the morning. (Oh yeah, I'm the Relief Society President in my YSA ward) Anyway, so someone was all "Oh an elite club" all teasing and my obvious response was: "I didn't choose this club!" And then I started thinking: So thought vomit. Here goes

I didn't choose this part of my life. I didn't.
But the Lord looked down and he pointed at me and said "You, I need you to do this thing".
And He told His servant to ask me to do this thing.
So this man I trust took me into his office and asked me to do this hard thing.
And I said yes.

And then I looked up at Him and said "You know I can't do this alone,
Why choose me Lord? Why choose me? Because I can't hold this alone.
I can't do this alone Lord. I can't do this without you, You have to help me hold this weight"

And He said "Call counselors, and a secretary. Lean on your Bishop.
Lean on me. For I have gone through all things.
I will carry you when times get tough
And I will guide you. Listen to me."

I didn't choose this part of my life. I didn't choose this calling.

But I realized something. I did choose this. I was there.
I was there before this life. And I chose life, and body.

So I chose this club, I chose this hardship.
I chose the opportunity to prove myself.
I chose to follow my Lord.
I chose the only way to come back to Him.

I don't remember choosing, but I did.
And He will help me go through all things.

Those I Never Knew

I've always been jealous of people who know their Great-Grandparents. I feel like I've missed out on something somehow because the last of my great-grandparents died in 1992, a mere four years before I entered the world. I realize that I am blessed to know all four of my grandparents, and I love them dearly, I truly do, but I also sometimes feel like I am missing out on something because I never met any of my great-grandparents.

This week I had the opportunity to delve into the life of my Great-grandfather, John Lynn Esplin. He was the first of my Great-grandparents to die when he died in 1947. Although I haven't yet delved very far, talking with my Grandma about a father that she barely remembers was enlightening and I loved every moment of it.

John Lynn Esplin (1904-1947)

My great grandpa always said that he was born 100 years too late. He loved the outdoors and the range and would rather be out with his sheep all day than in the city. Grandma said that he was out to herd a lot, because he loved it and "If it wasn't for mama he would stay out in the hills all the time."(Jeanette Hugh, May 27, 2015)

Grandma told me that Great-Grandpa had a lot of integrity, and always would see a job through. She also said that the first thing Lynn (Grandma assures me he went by his second name, see comments below) would ask when getting home from being with the herd was where her Mama was.

In 1947 Lynn came down with pneumonia and went back to the herd when he wasn't fully recovered and so was in a weakened condition. Grandma said that one day her Daddy and Lynn (her then 14-year-old brother) went out, but only Lynn came back in, great grandpa didn't come back. It was two days before they found his body at the bottom of the cliff that he fallen off of. Two days, and Grandma was only 10. Grandma wasn't the youngest either, what about Verla, Carol and Jerry? They were all younger, how well do they remember their father?

I was reading through more of my grandma's old blog posts and read how "Daddy read a lot and was especially interested in national and international news, politics, government leaders and national events" (Lynn Esplin, "I Remember May") and thought to myself "So that's where I get it from!" I mean I know a lot of my family is interested in such things, but my parents aren't as passionate about as I am. So now I know. I get it, at least in some small measure, from a man I never knew. 

I never got a chance to meet Lynn. I think I would have loved to sit and chat with him. I think I would have loved to get to know him. I know I would have loved him, and I know that I do love him. I sit here writing with tears of love in my eyes, because I can feel him, feel his love for the great granddaughter he never met in this life, but the great granddaughter he will definitely get to meet in the life to come. 

I sometimes still feel jipped that I didn't get to meet my great-grandparents. But I also realize that because of the great Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ, I will get to meet them and converse with them and all the others who have gone before. 

And I also realized a couple of months ago, that I don't truly know the grandparents I have now. I was talking to my Opa and had no idea that in college he had majored in biochemical stuff and zooology. So I guess what I'm saying, is perhaps we should treasure what we have and endeavor to learn from those we have in our lives now. The eternities will take care of themselves. And a forever family, is just that, forever.
  

Extreme Studio Home Makeover: Olsen's Edition

     My day started out bright and early, 8 am. Seriously, that's early in the summer, so be nice. I was conscripted by Dan and Shelby for the use of my pathfinder to get their new dresser. Which, lets be honest, was ugly. I don't know who thought the red, white and tan went well together, but they were crazy.

      So Shelby and I went down to Brigham City where her father-in-law had things like an electric sander, and scraper. But then we had to go get primer from her sister-in-law in Plain City. After obtaining primer, and also coarse sandpaper, we set to work. The top of that thing was awful. There was a layer of polyurethane on the top and it was awful.  We needed to rough it up a bit in order to make sure our primer would stick and stay. It took me at least an hour and a half with an electric sander to get the top to the point where paint would stay. In contrast the sides and front took a half an hour tops. Then we started to add our coat of primer. It was lookin' good. Way better than when we began, even with only a layer of primer.


     Then we helped pick up branches around the Olsen's yard from the wind storm the previous night. After the paint dried and we'd talked to Daniel's parents we loaded up the dresser and went back to Logan. By this time it was almost 6. We had to get a bunch of things from the hardware store, but then we went back to the Olsen's studio apartment. There we set up the dresser again. This time to do the actual color coat. The dresser would be red and the drawers, black.

     After three coats of paint it was now almost 10 and we called it a night, also a wrap. that dresser was done. . . as soon as it dried. While we had been waiting for the paint to dry Shelby and I finally put up the decorations that she had had since her wedding but couldn't put up on the walls.

So 15 hours later, the studio home makeover: Olsen's edition was complete, and it turned out beautiful too. 

Help! I'm trapped!!

 . . . in a very LDS mindset. I've realized recently that I am trapped in a mindset of "You're 19, or 20 or early twenties" and not engaged and you don't have a boyfriend? Why not?

AND I HATE THAT.

I've even thought it about myself. I'm nineteen, single and loving it. But seriously half the people around me are either engaged, about to be officially engaged or in a serious relationship and I've wondered why I don't have one. I have come to this conclusion, which I already knew, I do not want one. Nor is there anyone, currently, that I would want to be in a relationship with. It's not like there aren't guys I'm attracted to in my immediate vicinity. There are. There are definitely males in my ward and social circles (aka just my ward, sad I know) that I am attracted to, but I don't know any of them well enough to want to be in a relationship with them. I'm kind of old fashioned that way. First, I want to know someone and be friends with them before I want to be in a relationship with them. Or even think about being in a relationship.

Anyway, somebody needs to keep me on topic. the LDS mindset.

Anyone that has had exposure to our culture knows that we tend to get married young. My two roommates are getting married at 19. I know of two other girls that are only 19 who are also getting married this summer. Others I have known got married at 20 and 21. Some go on missions but then get married soon after that. So the LDS mindset is that people should be dating and or married young.

but you know what I've realized? You really don't need to be married young. And I'm sticking to that. our brains, specifically the pre-frontal lobe, aren't fully formed until 24 or 25. that area of the brain contains our decision making skills. So we're not fully formed right now. okay, we're only half baked.

Now I'm not saying marrying young is bad, it isn't. What I am saying is that not being married young isn't bad.

Sometimes I get caught in the mindset that  young women my age either need to be on missions, or getting married. and I'm not doing either.

And I'm perfectly fine with that. I'm going to get my education, I'm going to work my hardest, I'm going to see the world. and if I'm not married at 20 or 21, or 22, or even 23. I will be fine. I don't need to be married anytime soon.

So my dear post-high school friends who aren't going on missions and aren't getting married. You're in good company. And really, who cares when you get married. if the love of your life comes along when you're nineteen, snatch him up, if he doesn't come along until 25, so be it, snatch him up then.

Being single is a joy, don't get trapped in the mindset that you need to be in a relationship or getting married, because living by yourself gives you great experiences you couldn't learn if you never lived on your own. And lets be honest, right now I struggle to take care of myself most days, how in the world could I care for another human being?

In the All of Ever

First go listen to this piece of magic, just listen to the mastery, close your eyes. Listen for the blatantly obvious emotion, and let the music paint a picture in your mind. Yes it's 8 minutes. Listen anyway: Barber: Adagio for Strings, Original Version, Dover Quartet

Okay now you've listened to that, you must be informed that this song is literally my favorite piece of music in "The all of ever" as I once termed it. I have never met a piece of music that has touched me so deeply and completely as this one has. I am not one to choose favorites in anything. I just have a hard time with that, but in music, weird as it may sound, I have one. and it is Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings. The piece that link leads you to is the Adagio in its original form, written for string quartet. The piece was once the 2nd movement to a 3 movement piece for quartet. Later, the public loved the 2nd movement so much that he removed it from his larger work and orchestrated it.

But I am not here today to fangirl over a piece of music. Okay, to a certain extent I am, but also I need to say other things.

Music today has become very monotonous and sort of pattern following. That's not to say that there isn't good modern music, there is. I can rock out to the best of what the 21st century music scene has to offer, but emotionally there is not as much depth as I would love to hear. That's why I love a lot of classical music. there is emotional depth.

I would like to tell you about the first time I ever heard the Adagio for Strings.

It was the end of my ninth grade year. The last orchestra concert of that year and my orchestra was done preforming. After us there were the two orchestras from the High School. I was sitting next to a dear friend during the concert, and the Chamber Orchestra got up to play. They were the last, and the best, of the whole concert. I remember sitting there and as the first strains came forth I wasn't sure I could hear anything. I closed my eyes and for the first time I saw a scene instead of a bunch of whirling colors as I listened. Trust me, this was big.

I often close my eyes and relax and allow my brain to simply create when I listen to music, it is interesting to me what my brain can come up with. Sometimes I get psychedelic fireworks and other times I get whimsical wisps of colors. Rarely do I get actually constructed scenes in my head. But that night for the first time in my life I saw a scene.

I saw a girl sitting on the beach with a sunset in front of her. She sits there and she's later joined by a young man. I could not only see this, but I could feel the emotion. She was in a state of melancholy. and then the young man shows up and she isn't as melancholy anymore.

But the significance of the song for me isn't in the scene that gets painted in my head. It's the emotions I can feel building up inside me and inside the music. And then there is the climax. No matter where I am when this song comes on, no matter what I am doing, at the climax I cannot help but close my eyes and listen and feel. It is an involuntary reflex. it is a deeply emotional connection. I cannot deny it.

I've often wondered how I came to have such a deep emotional connection with a song within the first moments I heard it, and I can't quite explain it, but connection is both real and deep. I love that about music. It can spark deep and real emotions. It's incredible.

Music is pure emotion. It is those emotions that can't properly be explained by the mere human tongue. Words cannot do them justice. They must be put to music. Someone somewhere once said "Music is what feelings sound like". Music can touch us when nothing else can.

That's why music therapy works. Sometimes people can sing or dance when they can't speak or move. It will work wonders to allow people to do things they never thought they can do. Music can bring out the best parts of people, the most hidden parts of people.

And I think someones favorite song, or favorite kind of music can tell you a lot about who they are. Sometimes the most revealing thing about a person comes when you listen to their favorite song with your eyes closed.

You can tell what people are feeling, often by what they are listening to.

I went through an emotionally tough time earlier this year. At that time I almost exclusively listened to Twenty-One Pilots. I didn't identify with the suicidal thoughts, but I definitely identified with a lost sense of melancholy, I empathized with his feelings of sadness and fear.

I went through a phase where I listened to Jazz and Electro Swing. I was feeling jumpy, and full of energy. I was full of verve and excitement for life. I was feeling old-fashioned and ready to take on the new college life.

Music identifies with not only who we are, but how we are feeling and what we are doing. It is incredible the intense power that music has to identify with us and keep our emotions from being bottle inside where they can do damage. 

Music is a window into the soul. It is a peek into the very essence of who a person is. Music is a common thread within all of us, and it is a thread that binds us together regardless of race, age, gender or nationality. Music is simply incredible that way. 

A Watcher

I watch. I notice the details, I watch everything. I'm the person in the group that is most likely to be quiet and watch. Just watch, and listen. I am an unashamed people watcher, and eavesdropper.

Have I creeped you out yet?

It's not a creepy thing, it really isn't. I just find human behavior fascinating. I think it is interesting the way that people interact, the way they act when they think that no one is watching them. The things they talk about. It is truly intriguing, and so I am a watcher.

I think it all started with the fact that I was shy and definitely not involved in elementary. I was much more comfortable in the corner reading a book. And THAT is the best disguise. When you're 'reading' a book people don't really pay attention to you, you can listen and watch. Also debate tournaments were great. They are one of the ultimate people watching environments in high school. Not to mention school dances.

Debate tournaments are a pretty great place to watch people. There are awkward romances, interesting clothing styles, and so many interesting people. It is great to just watch and observe the little idiosyncrasies of people.

But I don't just watch at Debate tournaments. Oh heck no, I watch everywhere. I tend to know things because I will be minding my own business and people are just talking around me, teachers will talk around me and then I know things and I have a memory that retains such things. so people would always ask me when things were, or what we were supposed to do for events.  I just know little things because I listen.

And I think human behavior is interesting I love to watch people in listen to what they talk about. it is fascinating to me the repartee between best friends, or between people who could care less about one another. The connection between couples. You can tell people truly care about one another when they are simply conent to hold hands. Sometimes a relationship isn't about the physical, it's about the simple touches of comfort and nearness. It is fascinating to watch people in every circumstance.

Right along wiht people watching comes listening. I listen more than I talk. And because of this people tell me their stories. They trust me with parts of their lives that they don't tell others. Even people who are not super close to me have confided in me because I listen. I know things about my coworkers, the people in my ward, on my former debate team. I just listen. and people then trust me with their stories. As a result I start to understand the people underneath. I understand certain behaviors, I understand why they act the way they do. It is amazing, you may start out distinctly disliking someone, but once you know who they are, or some of their stories it is easier to work with them. It is easier to be around them because you understand.

I love the show Criminal Minds. It's a morbid curiosity. They try to figure out the way that people think, get inside their minds and understand. And I love that. Not the part where people are kidnapped, killed or raped, but the other parts, where the team tries  to figure out why the people do what they do. Human behavior is worth watching and understanding. Right down to the smallest details.

And I notice the small details. Like what your hair cut is, if you dyed it recently. I notice the little things in conversations, like if you are allergic to something, or if you happen to mention a favorite candy. I know and notice the little things. The smaller details. My roommates have often commented to me that "You notice everything". I notice when there are chocolate chips on the counter, someone must be making chocolate chip cookies. The details around us are telling if we just open our eyes and try to understand.

To me human behavior is fascinating. And that's why when you see me in a group of people I probably won't be the one talking, I'll be the one listening, and sometimes smiling. I'll be the one taking in the details and watching what everyone is doing. Don't feel creeped out, we're all so different, and details about us are the things that make life the most interesting.

He is in the Smallest Details

Recently I have been reading my scriptures a little bit differently. I have a friend on a mission who always ends his letters to me, and his weekly emails with a list of scriptures. I decided to start studying these scriptures in depth. You know, reading the footnotes and going to those cross references, reading deeply and looking past the surface. I've always had a problem motivating myself to actually study. I work best when I have pinpointed scriptures. or a study guide. for me if I sit down to just read a book of scripture I lose the studying and I begin just reading. So I need a purpose as I read, and this has been great.

I take one of these scriptures that he has sent since the beginning a day and I study it and then I come up with a small phrase that sums up the essence of what I have studied that day. It's been great, but as I have studied this week there is one theme that comes up more than any other. The fact that Our Savior and our Father in Heaven is in the smallest details of our lives.

I have jumped all over the scriptures in the last week, I know that there is strength in these scriptures. Let me share a little bit of what I have studied, because to me they have taken great significance. 


Scripture Block: Hebrews 11:6, 7:25; Psalms 34:4,6,10  [He will always be there]
   (Listen to "Tender Mercies" by Steven Sharp Nelson)
    He will always save them that come to him in faith. Always. He lived and died to save each of us. and we have but to cry out and he will be there, to calm our fears, guide us through our trials and love us forever.

Scripture block: Romans 9:20-24; Job9:12;Moses1:4;Isaiah 45:9;Jer 18:6;1 Peter 2:8;1Peter 2:9 [God made YOU for a reason]
   God has made us for a reason, although at times we may question it, but we should not. We are the clay in our Savior's hands. He can and will mold us to how he wants us who are we to question that?

Scripture Block: Micah 7:7-8; Psalms 4:1,3; Hymn 97; Children's Hymns 12,178 [He is ever listening]
  God will always hear us. He is always listening. He is my light in the dark places when all other lights seem to have gone out.
"May it be a light unto you in Dark places when all other lights seem to have gone out." -J.R.R. Tolkein

Scripture block: Mosiah 24:14-16; Isaiah 46:4; Matt 11:28; Alma 31:38,33:23; D&C 54:10 [He will strengthen us]
  I think it is interesting that he eases their burdens by strengthening them. That is what he does to us. He strengthens us so that we can get through our trials, and also that is the reason we go through trials, to become stronger. but in order for Him to make our burdens light we must take the first step and come unto him. He shall provide for us and our afflictions should be swallowed up in the Joy of Christ. He is pure Joy. And when we call for his aid he will come. it may not be immediately because that is not what is best for us. We must have patience for He will come.

I hope you are able to come to love the scriptures and learn from them as I have.

I know that He loves us and that He is in the smallest details of our lives. He loves us and he wants to come to us, but we must first come to him

Dating? What is that?

I've often found myself wondering why I don't date more. I mean, am I not attractive or something?

I wandered through Junior High and High School and I saw the couples. I saw them everywhere and I saw my acquaintances becoming part of those couples. In Junior High it was gross. I couldn't stand it. I mean who really wants to see you making out with your girlfriend/boyfriend in the hall at age 13? Definitely not me.

But then came High school. I used to have fantasies that some boy would ask me out before I was 16 and then I would have to politely turn him down, but such was not the case. All fantasies aside I didn't really want to date at 15, and I knew that for the boys my age I was more of a confidant and someone to ask for advice than someone to ask out on a date. Of course, I'm told that some day those qualities that made me a great wing woman will make me a great wife. The people who have told me this were not male, they were female, so really what do they know?

When a guy called me to ask me on my very first date he unwisely told me that I was the third in line. Two other girls had already turned him down. Now, all you great males out there, this is not the way to do it. I didn't particularly mind of course, it didn't matter to me that I was not first choice. I did not really care, I was mostly just super happy that I had actually been asked on a date. But needless to say this hurt my self esteem a little.

This happened time and time again as I worked my way through high school. I was the girl that didn't go on casual dates. and not because I didn't want to. I can count on two hands the number of casual dates that I went on as a high school student. and 3/4 of those dates I asked the boy out and organized my girlfriends and planned the date. I hated the culture where people didn't date different people and so I did something about it. It wasn't not often that I was asked on a date and treated to a night where I didn't have to plan. And most of the dates I was asked on by a guy, who did the planning, were dance dates. So throughout high school I tried to change the culture.

My high school was known for being slightly cliquey. Everyone who has ever heard of Davis High will protest and say that we are extremely cliquey, but I never saw it that way, mainly because I was a bouncer. I jumped from one group to another and I met a lot of people. I wasn't particularly close to a lot of people, but I made it a point to make friends with others. Well during my senior year I was getting mighty sick of people and their comfort zones. So I got together with my best friend and some acquaintances and we got this brilliant idea to to a group date blind date. We each drew someone else's name and we found a date for them. It was great fun. One of the greatest dates I have ever been on.

But still my poor self-esteem took hits through High school. My Junior year I wasn't asked to Homecoming, which shouldn't hurt. It really shouldn't. But to a 16-year-old, it did. However Tess (one of my friends who also didn't get asked) and I brushed it off. We went to see the Avengers. But still my self-esteem took a hit. I watched some of my closer friends get into relationships, where they guy was an utter sweetheart, or an utter jerk. I've watched the cute couples and wanted something like that. I wanted something real and sweet. Someone to talk to, someone who would listen and share as well. I still want that I guess.

Have I mentioned that I'm a hopeless romantic?

But that was never what I got nor did I really want it as a 17 year old who didn't even know what college to attend until the day before the decision needed to be made.

As I moved away to college though, I deluded myself into thinking that the college dating scene would be different. I was wrong. If nothing else men ask women on less dates in college. Because in college (at least in Utah) most of the male attending higher education are (1)returned missionaries who are ready to get married and are therefore looking for "future wife material" and only ask girls out who they think they have a shot at eternity with, (2) young men going to a year of college before going on a mission (a disappearing breed, most young men are leaving right after high school), or (3) those who I would rather not date (sorry, harsh, but true). Soooo really the dating scene up here is all about getting married. I've watched it.

So college hasn't really been different. If nothing else it means I date less. I've been on two dates in the last 12 months. And they were with the same guy, one who fits into the subset 1 up above. and I'm simply not ready for marriage. Just to put it in perspective. I was well aware after this guy asked me out that he was interested. Which I was not prepared for. As I've said before, I'm not the type of girl that men find attractive. Or if they do they don't say anything to me about it. Not one male but my dad had ever come right out and told me that I was beautiful. Not even my brothers. And then this guy came along.

He was in my ward, and until the day he asked me out I had never spoken to him. But he had seen me, and listened to me and heard some of my deepest stories. Don't get me wrong, He's not a stalker. I'm one of the Gospel Doctrine teachers in my ward and as a result I get up in front of my ward every three weeks and share something of myself with them. So he'd seen me, but I hadn't seen him.

Anyway, so he asked me out and we went on a date and we texted a lot and we got to get to know each other. He was thoughtful and sweet and very much what I'd always pictured in a boyfriend, or a guy I was dating. But I began to freak out, because I didn't know what I was feeling. I hadn't ever been in a relationship with a guy before. I hadn't held a man's hand that wasn't my dad, or my brother to make him feel uncomfortable :). I've never been in a relationship.

So as I could see that he was getting more attached, and that he was in earnest about being with me I began to panic. I was at work for 10 hours one day working on a huge project with a whole team. And that day I had been feeling particularly weird about the whole thing, and my brain tends to work overdrive and think all the time. So I whenever I was working on a part of this project by myself and I wasn't distracted by the beautiful people I work with I was left to wrestle with my own brain. I wasn't ready for a relationship. At 18 I was not ready. My brain worked so hard on this and was so out of its league that I had a panic attack. Yes. I had a panic attack about in a relationship. It didn't feel right. If I was supposed to be in a relationship with this wonderful, sweet guy, I wouldn't feel so panicked everytime he called beautiful, or did something sweet for me, or texted me to see how my day was going. But I did. and it was weird.

So I still haven't really been in a relationship. But I have held a guy's hand now. So baby steps?

But still I live in student housing, near a college campus and I attend a Singles ward. So I am literally surrounded by couples. My best friend / roommate up here is getting married at the end of the summer to a guy that I introduced her to. Because by pure happenstance I was in a class with his roommates. One of our other roommates is getting married as well. I am surrounded. And all it makes me feel is longing.

I realize that I am only 19. I also acknowledge the fact that I REALLY don't want to be married right now. I'm not ready, I haven't seen enough of the world. I haven't experienced enough. But that doesn't stop the longing. I still long to be with someone who will talk with me, to have someone who will put his arm around me and hold me close, because sometimes all I really need is a hug.

But enough from the hopeless romantic in me.

Dating, I feel, is becoming a lost art. and the hang out is beginning to take its place. Heck, it's already taken a place. But because dating is becoming a lost art there are a lot of girls out there who feel slighted and lack self esteem because guys don't ask them out.

There are times I want to shake the young men in high school. The ones who say they don't want to go to the dances because they have no one to ask. I guarantee that there some girl out there, probably one right in front of your face who hasn't been asked, who wants to be asked, and who feels hurt and not pretty because she hasn't been asked. All I ask is that you look further than the end of your own nose and help a girl feel loved, wanted, and needed.

Don't let anyone slip through the cracks. Even the girls who ask: Dating? What the heck is that?

I Would Be an Alcoholic

I am on a journey of self-discovery, and this is what I have discovered. This morning at two a.m. I realized that if I drank alcohol I would probably be an alcoholic. Why did I come to this conclusion? Well.

Last night I went on the first date I have been on in quite some time. Try about eleven months. I haven't been on a date since my Senior Prom in April of 2014. And I had been freaking out over it for about all the days since I had been asked. Did I forget how to do the dating thing since I haven't been on one? Will I remember to let him get the door? Use my table manners? speak too much? not have anything to talk about? I think it is valid to say that I am a worrier. And also this was my introduction into the college dating world. So even more worry.

So I was literally thirsty all day, no matter how much I drank. And I realized also that when I was in High School I would drink the most when I had a huge test, or when I was at a debate tournament. No joke. I drink so much when I am nervous. And so this is how I came to the conclusion that if I drank alcohol I would be an alcoholic.

Also I know that I get addicted to things super easy in my life. Like books, chocolate, tv shows, my phone (which is bad), social media(also bad). I get addicted really easily and have a hard time then showing self-control. So I can't imagine if I were to do drugs or alcohol.

So there you have it. Not only will I never do drugs or drink alcohol because I am LDS and that is against the Word of Wisdom. I will also never do these things because I know that I will get addicted and it will ruin my life. 

Ya Missed the Memo

Guys. The Logan weather. It totally missed the memo. The memo was:

It is March now. That means spring. February was last month. That is when the snow was supposed to come.

And the weather totally missed that memo. What is even going on?

A friend and I decided tonight that even though February and March are similar they aren't supposed to switch clothes. I mean really. February March's clothes are a bit baggy on you and we don't mind when you wear them because spring is nice. But March. March you should never wear February's clothes. They are way too tight and no one wants to see that.

I was thinking tonight about just two weeks ago when a bunch of us decided to do our homework outside on the lawn and enjoy the sunshine and warmth. and then tonight there were another bunch of us who froze our hands off and had a rousing snowball fight. Which by the way was so much fun. But it is crazy how fast things can change.

I love watching the change in my life and others. I am really, by nature, a people watcher. And that my make me crazy, or creepy. But really it's fascinating. Today I woke up and in my head it was going to be a good day. And you know what! it was! I got to talk to some great people, a couple of those conversations totally made my day. and I got to go to work, which wasn't a highlight, but hey. And I got to tell my English teacher the question I want to write my persuasive essay on which I think is fascinating. Economic Sanctions and their effectiveness in foreign diplomacy, at which word did I lose you?

I got to have a discussion about life with my dear roommate. And somehow I inadvertently involved myself in a snowball fight. Which, while it was a blast, I cannot aim to save my life. and that has only been reconfirmed to me. I got to talk to another roommate about her drawing and the competition she is in. I understand more about deviantart and pokemon and comics than I did when this night began. And now I get to write about life and watch The Music Man Which is one of my all time favorite musicals. ranking right up there with The Sound of Music.

So guys I think that when you let life be good it is good and when you're scared of change and of having fun THAT is when you lose the joy of life.   Don't be afraid to do something you want to do today! there may not be a time tomorrow to do it and you may lose all the courage or the opportunity to do whatever it is you want to do. As Professor Harold Hill said:"Oh my little miss Librarian, you pile up enough tomorrows and you'll find you've collected nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays. I don't know about you but I'd like to make today worth remembering."

I agree. So join with me and make your today worth remembering.

THIS is the best time of your life

Where ever you are in life I genuinely think that it is the best time in your life and that everything you are doing is important and you are being the best person you possibly can. I don't think that any one time period in our lives can be seen as the one and only "best" time in our lives. Let me explain why this is on my mind and why I feel so strongly about it.

Throughout the years I have heard people say that Junior High was the worst time of their life. This has always confused me, because for me Junior High was actually an okay time. I was finding myself just a little bit. Yeah I had acne (I still do, that stuff doesn't go away just because you are an 'adult') and I started puberty, but I was a lucky duck. I wasn't ostracized and yeah I did have some hurtful interactions but I also made some great friends. I am still friends with a lot of those people although we've all gone our own ways. I always look back on Junior High with fondness. It definitely was a hard time, but it also was the best time in my life up to that point. I was trying new things and trying to figure out who I was. If I'm completely honest with myself Junior High is where my love for current events and learning about them truly started (thank you NAL). I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything in the world. Would I go back to relive my Junior High years? Heck to the No. But I don't look back on them as the worst time in my life, because at that time they were truly the best years of my life.

High School. As I have entered college and listened to the opinions of those around me I am increasingly under the impression that they disliked their friends in high school and wouldn't really keep track of a lot of them. And that High School wasn't their favorite time in life. Which is interesting to me because I actually liked High School. Okay, let's be honest, there are some of us who live in the High school 'glory days' and some of us who would rather not even think about that time in our lives. I am part of neither camp. I don't live in High School, but I also think about it often and what I learned from High School. When I was in High School it was genuinely the best time in my life. I loved High School. I loved the challenge I received from AP classes, from my various clubs and I loved the environment. I know people who couldn't wait to get out of there (which when I was in High School was mind boggling, You want to be an adult sooner?) and those who wanted to live in High School forever (also mind boggling, 17 year old boys are just that boys. And high school can also be REAAALLLY limiting).

I lived my life like it was the best time of my life, with the knowledge that I had to do well, because, you know, real life was coming soon. But High School really was one of the best times of my life. I made some of my very best friends in High School and we still hang out when we are all in the same city for more than an evening. At least those of us who aren't on missions do. The people I met in High School are still among those I turn to for advice (as well as my roommates) and those I turn to in times of distress. I love those people and wouldn't trade them for the world. I also wouldn't trade my High School experience for the world because it began to shape me into the person I am today and also helped me to realize who I truly am even a little bit more.

As I have contemplated this subject over the last couple of weeks there are a couple things that you have to realize. first of all my life has never been just buttercups and daisies, sunshine and happiness. No. I have struggled and I have had hard times, but I like to think of myself as an optimistic person, and as such those trials have only helped me to grow. and second, I'm not always an optimistic person and there were times in both junior high and high school where I was highly discouraged and all wanted was out.

I think that when people say that a time in their lives was "the worst time of my life" a lot of the time it is because they were looking forward and saying I want to be here, so they couldn't live in and enjoy the moment they were actually living in. The greatest thing a person can do to be in the 'best time of your life' is to actually be living in the moment and not wanting to be living in another moment. And yes there may be better times in your life to come. But for now, the moment you are living in is the best moment of your life. and that's all you can really hope for.

Find joy in the moment, even if the moment is tough, because that's how we can live happy lives and also how we can learn new things about ourselves. As a quote I found recently said:
"Stop waiting for Friday, for summer, for a someone to fall in love with you, for life. Happiness is achieve when you stop waiting for it and make the most of the moment you are in now."

And that perfectly sums up what I think today. Seize the moment now. Because THIS IS THE BEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE. Believe it and make it so.