But If Not

Today on the car ride home from my parents I had a lengthy conversation with my Heavenly Father. I poured my heart out to Him in prayer. I told Him of my current fears, of my struggles. Of my recent triumphs, of my worries. I poured my heart out to Him, and He just listened and responded with little things I needed to hear. Then I told Him of my desire to Trust Him more completely. I have trust issues, I know this about myself. I fail to trust those around me completely and implicitly. I know I need to trust my Savior that way. I know I need to put my full trust in Him daily, because if not then I shall surely fail.

So as I sat down to read my scriptures tonight I was looking at the list of scriptures from Elder Garrett's Missionary letters, trying to decide which one to read. I was directed towards Daniel 3: 17-18 Which reads:

17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.

18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.

Daniel 3:17-18

I was struck by the phrase "But if not". I was inspired by the fact that, though these boys knew their God has power to deliver them, and faith that he would,  if He didn't chose to save them it wouldn't change their testimony. They trusted Him implicitly. They trusted that He had a larger view of the plan for them and that he would protect them or let them be martyrs as it suited his overarching plan. He loved them enough to do what was best for them.

I knew that I had heard that phrase "But if not" before in conference. So I decided to Google it. Three different talks came up, and I wrote them down for later study. Then I decided to read just one. "But If Not" by Dennis E Simmons given in April of 2004. As I started to read this talk I was filled with gratitude. This was exactly the answer I had been seeking as I prayed for strength and trust this morning. I was struck by this definition of faith:

They knew that faith is more than mental assent, more than an acknowledgment that God lives. Faith is total trust in Him.

Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does. Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not. Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on Him.

But If Not …:p6-p7

The footnote right before this definition is Mosiah 7:33. The moment I saw this footnote I knew that I have inspired friends. For, in his weekly letter home Elder Garrett only included one scripture this week, Mosiah 7:33, which I immediately felt I should read.

33 But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.

Mosiah 7:33

As I read this scripture my heart was filled (as well as my eyes). I knew that the Lord loved me so much. He inspired my friend to include that scripture. He directed me to read certain talks and scriptures that I needed tonight. I may not know the How yet. How to let myself trust implicitly, but I know that it begins with a desire. And I know the Lord hears and answers my prayers. That He is always diligent and He is always there. How I am thankful for Angels that watch over and protect me. For those who reach out to me and love me always. Who help me find those things I need and am hoping for. (“I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. … Always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.”Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

The Lord lives and Loves me. He will deliver me from all my fears. But if not, I know that He lives. That he is real and that there is a bigger meaning behind His leaving me to deal with all mine afflictions.

I will trust in the Lord. 

Music is my Tell All

Today I had some "extra" time while I waited for French, and I finally decided to go through my Spotify and get rid of the playlists that no longer fit me. It's been a long time coming. There were playlists I created this time last year that no longer fit me at all. In fact I avoid some of those playlists even though they have songs I love on them because they have other songs that just aren't me any more.

As I was doing this I started to think about my music listening habits. Admittedly I am one of the strangest music listeners you have ever met. My playlists are a strange conglomeration of about 6 different genres and a multiplicity of different artists. There are many who have commented on my strange music tastes.

However, I also go through phases. Literally every two weeks I fall in love with a new genre or group[ and I can listen to almost nothing but them. So quite frankly if you were to follow my listening habits you could probably track my emotional state, sometimes.

Take, for example, last spring. I was listening almost non stop to electro swing Caro Emerald and 21-pilots. I realized today that I was slightly depressed last spring. It wasn't clinical, and it didn't last very long, probably a month. But I was depressed. I identified with the melancholy found in those lyrics. A melancholy I no longer identify with and actually sometimes makes me highly uncomfortable.

Now Caro Emerald wouldn't lead you to believe that I was uncharacteristically sad, down and melancholic last spring, but 21-pilots certainly would.

Anyway. Music is a tell all to my current mood. I go through stages about love, and all I listen to is Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Michael Bublé and Dean Martin.

I go through movie music phases, I don't know what they say about my mood. Actually currently in that phase.

I go through cello loving phases. Well, okay that's not a phase. That's an always.

I go through Broadway phases, opera phases. I go through pop phases and classical music phases.

My music is as diverse as my personality and my many moods. But one thing stays constant.

Music is always.

"Music is what feelings sound like"