First go listen to this piece of magic, just listen to the mastery, close your eyes. Listen for the blatantly obvious emotion, and let the music paint a picture in your mind. Yes it's 8 minutes. Listen anyway: Barber: Adagio for Strings, Original Version, Dover Quartet
Okay now you've listened to that, you must be informed that this song is literally my favorite piece of music in "The all of ever" as I once termed it. I have never met a piece of music that has touched me so deeply and completely as this one has. I am not one to choose favorites in anything. I just have a hard time with that, but in music, weird as it may sound, I have one. and it is Samuel Barber's Adagio for Strings. The piece that link leads you to is the Adagio in its original form, written for string quartet. The piece was once the 2nd movement to a 3 movement piece for quartet. Later, the public loved the 2nd movement so much that he removed it from his larger work and orchestrated it.
But I am not here today to fangirl over a piece of music. Okay, to a certain extent I am, but also I need to say other things.
Music today has become very monotonous and sort of pattern following. That's not to say that there isn't good modern music, there is. I can rock out to the best of what the 21st century music scene has to offer, but emotionally there is not as much depth as I would love to hear. That's why I love a lot of classical music. there is emotional depth.
I would like to tell you about the first time I ever heard the Adagio for Strings.
It was the end of my ninth grade year. The last orchestra concert of that year and my orchestra was done preforming. After us there were the two orchestras from the High School. I was sitting next to a dear friend during the concert, and the Chamber Orchestra got up to play. They were the last, and the best, of the whole concert. I remember sitting there and as the first strains came forth I wasn't sure I could hear anything. I closed my eyes and for the first time I saw a scene instead of a bunch of whirling colors as I listened. Trust me, this was big.
I often close my eyes and relax and allow my brain to simply create when I listen to music, it is interesting to me what my brain can come up with. Sometimes I get psychedelic fireworks and other times I get whimsical wisps of colors. Rarely do I get actually constructed scenes in my head. But that night for the first time in my life I saw a scene.
I saw a girl sitting on the beach with a sunset in front of her. She sits there and she's later joined by a young man. I could not only see this, but I could feel the emotion. She was in a state of melancholy. and then the young man shows up and she isn't as melancholy anymore.
But the significance of the song for me isn't in the scene that gets painted in my head. It's the emotions I can feel building up inside me and inside the music. And then there is the climax. No matter where I am when this song comes on, no matter what I am doing, at the climax I cannot help but close my eyes and listen and feel. It is an involuntary reflex. it is a deeply emotional connection. I cannot deny it.
I've often wondered how I came to have such a deep emotional connection with a song within the first moments I heard it, and I can't quite explain it, but connection is both real and deep. I love that about music. It can spark deep and real emotions. It's incredible.
Music is pure emotion. It is those emotions that can't properly be explained by the mere human tongue. Words cannot do them justice. They must be put to music. Someone somewhere once said "Music is what feelings sound like". Music can touch us when nothing else can.
That's why music therapy works. Sometimes people can sing or dance when they can't speak or move. It will work wonders to allow people to do things they never thought they can do. Music can bring out the best parts of people, the most hidden parts of people.
And I think someones favorite song, or favorite kind of music can tell you a lot about who they are. Sometimes the most revealing thing about a person comes when you listen to their favorite song with your eyes closed.
You can tell what people are feeling, often by what they are listening to.
I went through an emotionally tough time earlier this year. At that time I almost exclusively listened to Twenty-One Pilots. I didn't identify with the suicidal thoughts, but I definitely identified with a lost sense of melancholy, I empathized with his feelings of sadness and fear.
I went through a phase where I listened to Jazz and Electro Swing. I was feeling jumpy, and full of energy. I was full of verve and excitement for life. I was feeling old-fashioned and ready to take on the new college life.
Music identifies with not only who we are, but how we are feeling and what we are doing. It is incredible the intense power that music has to identify with us and keep our emotions from being bottle inside where they can do damage.
Music is a window into the soul. It is a peek into the very essence of who a person is. Music is a common thread within all of us, and it is a thread that binds us together regardless of race, age, gender or nationality. Music is simply incredible that way.
Monday, May 25, 2015
Thursday, May 21, 2015
A Watcher
I watch. I notice the details, I watch everything. I'm the person in the group that is most likely to be quiet and watch. Just watch, and listen. I am an unashamed people watcher, and eavesdropper.
Have I creeped you out yet?
It's not a creepy thing, it really isn't. I just find human behavior fascinating. I think it is interesting the way that people interact, the way they act when they think that no one is watching them. The things they talk about. It is truly intriguing, and so I am a watcher.
I think it all started with the fact that I was shy and definitely not involved in elementary. I was much more comfortable in the corner reading a book. And THAT is the best disguise. When you're 'reading' a book people don't really pay attention to you, you can listen and watch. Also debate tournaments were great. They are one of the ultimate people watching environments in high school. Not to mention school dances.
Debate tournaments are a pretty great place to watch people. There are awkward romances, interesting clothing styles, and so many interesting people. It is great to just watch and observe the little idiosyncrasies of people.
But I don't just watch at Debate tournaments. Oh heck no, I watch everywhere. I tend to know things because I will be minding my own business and people are just talking around me, teachers will talk around me and then I know things and I have a memory that retains such things. so people would always ask me when things were, or what we were supposed to do for events. I just know little things because I listen.
And I think human behavior is interesting I love to watch people in listen to what they talk about. it is fascinating to me the repartee between best friends, or between people who could care less about one another. The connection between couples. You can tell people truly care about one another when they are simply conent to hold hands. Sometimes a relationship isn't about the physical, it's about the simple touches of comfort and nearness. It is fascinating to watch people in every circumstance.
Right along wiht people watching comes listening. I listen more than I talk. And because of this people tell me their stories. They trust me with parts of their lives that they don't tell others. Even people who are not super close to me have confided in me because I listen. I know things about my coworkers, the people in my ward, on my former debate team. I just listen. and people then trust me with their stories. As a result I start to understand the people underneath. I understand certain behaviors, I understand why they act the way they do. It is amazing, you may start out distinctly disliking someone, but once you know who they are, or some of their stories it is easier to work with them. It is easier to be around them because you understand.
I love the show Criminal Minds. It's a morbid curiosity. They try to figure out the way that people think, get inside their minds and understand. And I love that. Not the part where people are kidnapped, killed or raped, but the other parts, where the team tries to figure out why the people do what they do. Human behavior is worth watching and understanding. Right down to the smallest details.
And I notice the small details. Like what your hair cut is, if you dyed it recently. I notice the little things in conversations, like if you are allergic to something, or if you happen to mention a favorite candy. I know and notice the little things. The smaller details. My roommates have often commented to me that "You notice everything". I notice when there are chocolate chips on the counter, someone must be making chocolate chip cookies. The details around us are telling if we just open our eyes and try to understand.
To me human behavior is fascinating. And that's why when you see me in a group of people I probably won't be the one talking, I'll be the one listening, and sometimes smiling. I'll be the one taking in the details and watching what everyone is doing. Don't feel creeped out, we're all so different, and details about us are the things that make life the most interesting.
Have I creeped you out yet?
It's not a creepy thing, it really isn't. I just find human behavior fascinating. I think it is interesting the way that people interact, the way they act when they think that no one is watching them. The things they talk about. It is truly intriguing, and so I am a watcher.
I think it all started with the fact that I was shy and definitely not involved in elementary. I was much more comfortable in the corner reading a book. And THAT is the best disguise. When you're 'reading' a book people don't really pay attention to you, you can listen and watch. Also debate tournaments were great. They are one of the ultimate people watching environments in high school. Not to mention school dances.
Debate tournaments are a pretty great place to watch people. There are awkward romances, interesting clothing styles, and so many interesting people. It is great to just watch and observe the little idiosyncrasies of people.
But I don't just watch at Debate tournaments. Oh heck no, I watch everywhere. I tend to know things because I will be minding my own business and people are just talking around me, teachers will talk around me and then I know things and I have a memory that retains such things. so people would always ask me when things were, or what we were supposed to do for events. I just know little things because I listen.
And I think human behavior is interesting I love to watch people in listen to what they talk about. it is fascinating to me the repartee between best friends, or between people who could care less about one another. The connection between couples. You can tell people truly care about one another when they are simply conent to hold hands. Sometimes a relationship isn't about the physical, it's about the simple touches of comfort and nearness. It is fascinating to watch people in every circumstance.
Right along wiht people watching comes listening. I listen more than I talk. And because of this people tell me their stories. They trust me with parts of their lives that they don't tell others. Even people who are not super close to me have confided in me because I listen. I know things about my coworkers, the people in my ward, on my former debate team. I just listen. and people then trust me with their stories. As a result I start to understand the people underneath. I understand certain behaviors, I understand why they act the way they do. It is amazing, you may start out distinctly disliking someone, but once you know who they are, or some of their stories it is easier to work with them. It is easier to be around them because you understand.
I love the show Criminal Minds. It's a morbid curiosity. They try to figure out the way that people think, get inside their minds and understand. And I love that. Not the part where people are kidnapped, killed or raped, but the other parts, where the team tries to figure out why the people do what they do. Human behavior is worth watching and understanding. Right down to the smallest details.
And I notice the small details. Like what your hair cut is, if you dyed it recently. I notice the little things in conversations, like if you are allergic to something, or if you happen to mention a favorite candy. I know and notice the little things. The smaller details. My roommates have often commented to me that "You notice everything". I notice when there are chocolate chips on the counter, someone must be making chocolate chip cookies. The details around us are telling if we just open our eyes and try to understand.
To me human behavior is fascinating. And that's why when you see me in a group of people I probably won't be the one talking, I'll be the one listening, and sometimes smiling. I'll be the one taking in the details and watching what everyone is doing. Don't feel creeped out, we're all so different, and details about us are the things that make life the most interesting.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
He is in the Smallest Details
Recently I have been reading my scriptures a little bit differently. I have a friend on a mission who always ends his letters to me, and his weekly emails with a list of scriptures. I decided to start studying these scriptures in depth. You know, reading the footnotes and going to those cross references, reading deeply and looking past the surface. I've always had a problem motivating myself to actually study. I work best when I have pinpointed scriptures. or a study guide. for me if I sit down to just read a book of scripture I lose the studying and I begin just reading. So I need a purpose as I read, and this has been great.
I take one of these scriptures that he has sent since the beginning a day and I study it and then I come up with a small phrase that sums up the essence of what I have studied that day. It's been great, but as I have studied this week there is one theme that comes up more than any other. The fact that Our Savior and our Father in Heaven is in the smallest details of our lives.
I have jumped all over the scriptures in the last week, I know that there is strength in these scriptures. Let me share a little bit of what I have studied, because to me they have taken great significance.
Scripture Block: Hebrews 11:6, 7:25; Psalms 34:4,6,10 [He will always be there]
(Listen to "Tender Mercies" by Steven Sharp Nelson)
He will always save them that come to him in faith. Always. He lived and died to save each of us. and we have but to cry out and he will be there, to calm our fears, guide us through our trials and love us forever.
Scripture block: Romans 9:20-24; Job9:12;Moses1:4;Isaiah 45:9;Jer 18:6;1 Peter 2:8;1Peter 2:9 [God made YOU for a reason]
God has made us for a reason, although at times we may question it, but we should not. We are the clay in our Savior's hands. He can and will mold us to how he wants us who are we to question that?
Scripture Block: Micah 7:7-8; Psalms 4:1,3; Hymn 97; Children's Hymns 12,178 [He is ever listening]
God will always hear us. He is always listening. He is my light in the dark places when all other lights seem to have gone out.
"May it be a light unto you in Dark places when all other lights seem to have gone out." -J.R.R. Tolkein
Scripture block: Mosiah 24:14-16; Isaiah 46:4; Matt 11:28; Alma 31:38,33:23; D&C 54:10 [He will strengthen us]
I think it is interesting that he eases their burdens by strengthening them. That is what he does to us. He strengthens us so that we can get through our trials, and also that is the reason we go through trials, to become stronger. but in order for Him to make our burdens light we must take the first step and come unto him. He shall provide for us and our afflictions should be swallowed up in the Joy of Christ. He is pure Joy. And when we call for his aid he will come. it may not be immediately because that is not what is best for us. We must have patience for He will come.
I hope you are able to come to love the scriptures and learn from them as I have.
I know that He loves us and that He is in the smallest details of our lives. He loves us and he wants to come to us, but we must first come to him
I take one of these scriptures that he has sent since the beginning a day and I study it and then I come up with a small phrase that sums up the essence of what I have studied that day. It's been great, but as I have studied this week there is one theme that comes up more than any other. The fact that Our Savior and our Father in Heaven is in the smallest details of our lives.
I have jumped all over the scriptures in the last week, I know that there is strength in these scriptures. Let me share a little bit of what I have studied, because to me they have taken great significance.
Scripture Block: Hebrews 11:6, 7:25; Psalms 34:4,6,10 [He will always be there]
(Listen to "Tender Mercies" by Steven Sharp Nelson)
He will always save them that come to him in faith. Always. He lived and died to save each of us. and we have but to cry out and he will be there, to calm our fears, guide us through our trials and love us forever.
Scripture block: Romans 9:20-24; Job9:12;Moses1:4;Isaiah 45:9;Jer 18:6;1 Peter 2:8;1Peter 2:9 [God made YOU for a reason]
God has made us for a reason, although at times we may question it, but we should not. We are the clay in our Savior's hands. He can and will mold us to how he wants us who are we to question that?
Scripture Block: Micah 7:7-8; Psalms 4:1,3; Hymn 97; Children's Hymns 12,178 [He is ever listening]
God will always hear us. He is always listening. He is my light in the dark places when all other lights seem to have gone out.
"May it be a light unto you in Dark places when all other lights seem to have gone out." -J.R.R. Tolkein
Scripture block: Mosiah 24:14-16; Isaiah 46:4; Matt 11:28; Alma 31:38,33:23; D&C 54:10 [He will strengthen us]
I think it is interesting that he eases their burdens by strengthening them. That is what he does to us. He strengthens us so that we can get through our trials, and also that is the reason we go through trials, to become stronger. but in order for Him to make our burdens light we must take the first step and come unto him. He shall provide for us and our afflictions should be swallowed up in the Joy of Christ. He is pure Joy. And when we call for his aid he will come. it may not be immediately because that is not what is best for us. We must have patience for He will come.
I hope you are able to come to love the scriptures and learn from them as I have.
I know that He loves us and that He is in the smallest details of our lives. He loves us and he wants to come to us, but we must first come to him
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Dating? What is that?
I've often found myself wondering why I don't date more. I mean, am I not attractive or something?
I wandered through Junior High and High School and I saw the couples. I saw them everywhere and I saw my acquaintances becoming part of those couples. In Junior High it was gross. I couldn't stand it. I mean who really wants to see you making out with your girlfriend/boyfriend in the hall at age 13? Definitely not me.
But then came High school. I used to have fantasies that some boy would ask me out before I was 16 and then I would have to politely turn him down, but such was not the case. All fantasies aside I didn't really want to date at 15, and I knew that for the boys my age I was more of a confidant and someone to ask for advice than someone to ask out on a date. Of course, I'm told that some day those qualities that made me a great wing woman will make me a great wife. The people who have told me this were not male, they were female, so really what do they know?
When a guy called me to ask me on my very first date he unwisely told me that I was the third in line. Two other girls had already turned him down. Now, all you great males out there, this is not the way to do it. I didn't particularly mind of course, it didn't matter to me that I was not first choice. I did not really care, I was mostly just super happy that I had actually been asked on a date. But needless to say this hurt my self esteem a little.
This happened time and time again as I worked my way through high school. I was the girl that didn't go on casual dates. and not because I didn't want to. I can count on two hands the number of casual dates that I went on as a high school student. and 3/4 of those dates I asked the boy out and organized my girlfriends and planned the date. I hated the culture where people didn't date different people and so I did something about it. It wasn't not often that I was asked on a date and treated to a night where I didn't have to plan. And most of the dates I was asked on by a guy, who did the planning, were dance dates. So throughout high school I tried to change the culture.
My high school was known for being slightly cliquey. Everyone who has ever heard of Davis High will protest and say that we are extremely cliquey, but I never saw it that way, mainly because I was a bouncer. I jumped from one group to another and I met a lot of people. I wasn't particularly close to a lot of people, but I made it a point to make friends with others. Well during my senior year I was getting mighty sick of people and their comfort zones. So I got together with my best friend and some acquaintances and we got this brilliant idea to to a group date blind date. We each drew someone else's name and we found a date for them. It was great fun. One of the greatest dates I have ever been on.
But still my poor self-esteem took hits through High school. My Junior year I wasn't asked to Homecoming, which shouldn't hurt. It really shouldn't. But to a 16-year-old, it did. However Tess (one of my friends who also didn't get asked) and I brushed it off. We went to see the Avengers. But still my self-esteem took a hit. I watched some of my closer friends get into relationships, where they guy was an utter sweetheart, or an utter jerk. I've watched the cute couples and wanted something like that. I wanted something real and sweet. Someone to talk to, someone who would listen and share as well. I still want that I guess.
Have I mentioned that I'm a hopeless romantic?
But that was never what I got nor did I really want it as a 17 year old who didn't even know what college to attend until the day before the decision needed to be made.
As I moved away to college though, I deluded myself into thinking that the college dating scene would be different. I was wrong. If nothing else men ask women on less dates in college. Because in college (at least in Utah) most of the male attending higher education are (1)returned missionaries who are ready to get married and are therefore looking for "future wife material" and only ask girls out who they think they have a shot at eternity with, (2) young men going to a year of college before going on a mission (a disappearing breed, most young men are leaving right after high school), or (3) those who I would rather not date (sorry, harsh, but true). Soooo really the dating scene up here is all about getting married. I've watched it.
So college hasn't really been different. If nothing else it means I date less. I've been on two dates in the last 12 months. And they were with the same guy, one who fits into the subset 1 up above. and I'm simply not ready for marriage. Just to put it in perspective. I was well aware after this guy asked me out that he was interested. Which I was not prepared for. As I've said before, I'm not the type of girl that men find attractive. Or if they do they don't say anything to me about it. Not one male but my dad had ever come right out and told me that I was beautiful. Not even my brothers. And then this guy came along.
He was in my ward, and until the day he asked me out I had never spoken to him. But he had seen me, and listened to me and heard some of my deepest stories. Don't get me wrong, He's not a stalker. I'm one of the Gospel Doctrine teachers in my ward and as a result I get up in front of my ward every three weeks and share something of myself with them. So he'd seen me, but I hadn't seen him.
Anyway, so he asked me out and we went on a date and we texted a lot and we got to get to know each other. He was thoughtful and sweet and very much what I'd always pictured in a boyfriend, or a guy I was dating. But I began to freak out, because I didn't know what I was feeling. I hadn't ever been in a relationship with a guy before. I hadn't held a man's hand that wasn't my dad, or my brother to make him feel uncomfortable :). I've never been in a relationship.
So as I could see that he was getting more attached, and that he was in earnest about being with me I began to panic. I was at work for 10 hours one day working on a huge project with a whole team. And that day I had been feeling particularly weird about the whole thing, and my brain tends to work overdrive and think all the time. So I whenever I was working on a part of this project by myself and I wasn't distracted by the beautiful people I work with I was left to wrestle with my own brain. I wasn't ready for a relationship. At 18 I was not ready. My brain worked so hard on this and was so out of its league that I had a panic attack. Yes. I had a panic attack about in a relationship. It didn't feel right. If I was supposed to be in a relationship with this wonderful, sweet guy, I wouldn't feel so panicked everytime he called beautiful, or did something sweet for me, or texted me to see how my day was going. But I did. and it was weird.
So I still haven't really been in a relationship. But I have held a guy's hand now. So baby steps?
But still I live in student housing, near a college campus and I attend a Singles ward. So I am literally surrounded by couples. My best friend / roommate up here is getting married at the end of the summer to a guy that I introduced her to. Because by pure happenstance I was in a class with his roommates. One of our other roommates is getting married as well. I am surrounded. And all it makes me feel is longing.
I realize that I am only 19. I also acknowledge the fact that I REALLY don't want to be married right now. I'm not ready, I haven't seen enough of the world. I haven't experienced enough. But that doesn't stop the longing. I still long to be with someone who will talk with me, to have someone who will put his arm around me and hold me close, because sometimes all I really need is a hug.
But enough from the hopeless romantic in me.
Dating, I feel, is becoming a lost art. and the hang out is beginning to take its place. Heck, it's already taken a place. But because dating is becoming a lost art there are a lot of girls out there who feel slighted and lack self esteem because guys don't ask them out.
There are times I want to shake the young men in high school. The ones who say they don't want to go to the dances because they have no one to ask. I guarantee that there some girl out there, probably one right in front of your face who hasn't been asked, who wants to be asked, and who feels hurt and not pretty because she hasn't been asked. All I ask is that you look further than the end of your own nose and help a girl feel loved, wanted, and needed.
Don't let anyone slip through the cracks. Even the girls who ask: Dating? What the heck is that?
I wandered through Junior High and High School and I saw the couples. I saw them everywhere and I saw my acquaintances becoming part of those couples. In Junior High it was gross. I couldn't stand it. I mean who really wants to see you making out with your girlfriend/boyfriend in the hall at age 13? Definitely not me.
But then came High school. I used to have fantasies that some boy would ask me out before I was 16 and then I would have to politely turn him down, but such was not the case. All fantasies aside I didn't really want to date at 15, and I knew that for the boys my age I was more of a confidant and someone to ask for advice than someone to ask out on a date. Of course, I'm told that some day those qualities that made me a great wing woman will make me a great wife. The people who have told me this were not male, they were female, so really what do they know?
When a guy called me to ask me on my very first date he unwisely told me that I was the third in line. Two other girls had already turned him down. Now, all you great males out there, this is not the way to do it. I didn't particularly mind of course, it didn't matter to me that I was not first choice. I did not really care, I was mostly just super happy that I had actually been asked on a date. But needless to say this hurt my self esteem a little.
This happened time and time again as I worked my way through high school. I was the girl that didn't go on casual dates. and not because I didn't want to. I can count on two hands the number of casual dates that I went on as a high school student. and 3/4 of those dates I asked the boy out and organized my girlfriends and planned the date. I hated the culture where people didn't date different people and so I did something about it. It wasn't not often that I was asked on a date and treated to a night where I didn't have to plan. And most of the dates I was asked on by a guy, who did the planning, were dance dates. So throughout high school I tried to change the culture.
My high school was known for being slightly cliquey. Everyone who has ever heard of Davis High will protest and say that we are extremely cliquey, but I never saw it that way, mainly because I was a bouncer. I jumped from one group to another and I met a lot of people. I wasn't particularly close to a lot of people, but I made it a point to make friends with others. Well during my senior year I was getting mighty sick of people and their comfort zones. So I got together with my best friend and some acquaintances and we got this brilliant idea to to a group date blind date. We each drew someone else's name and we found a date for them. It was great fun. One of the greatest dates I have ever been on.
But still my poor self-esteem took hits through High school. My Junior year I wasn't asked to Homecoming, which shouldn't hurt. It really shouldn't. But to a 16-year-old, it did. However Tess (one of my friends who also didn't get asked) and I brushed it off. We went to see the Avengers. But still my self-esteem took a hit. I watched some of my closer friends get into relationships, where they guy was an utter sweetheart, or an utter jerk. I've watched the cute couples and wanted something like that. I wanted something real and sweet. Someone to talk to, someone who would listen and share as well. I still want that I guess.
Have I mentioned that I'm a hopeless romantic?
But that was never what I got nor did I really want it as a 17 year old who didn't even know what college to attend until the day before the decision needed to be made.
As I moved away to college though, I deluded myself into thinking that the college dating scene would be different. I was wrong. If nothing else men ask women on less dates in college. Because in college (at least in Utah) most of the male attending higher education are (1)returned missionaries who are ready to get married and are therefore looking for "future wife material" and only ask girls out who they think they have a shot at eternity with, (2) young men going to a year of college before going on a mission (a disappearing breed, most young men are leaving right after high school), or (3) those who I would rather not date (sorry, harsh, but true). Soooo really the dating scene up here is all about getting married. I've watched it.
So college hasn't really been different. If nothing else it means I date less. I've been on two dates in the last 12 months. And they were with the same guy, one who fits into the subset 1 up above. and I'm simply not ready for marriage. Just to put it in perspective. I was well aware after this guy asked me out that he was interested. Which I was not prepared for. As I've said before, I'm not the type of girl that men find attractive. Or if they do they don't say anything to me about it. Not one male but my dad had ever come right out and told me that I was beautiful. Not even my brothers. And then this guy came along.
He was in my ward, and until the day he asked me out I had never spoken to him. But he had seen me, and listened to me and heard some of my deepest stories. Don't get me wrong, He's not a stalker. I'm one of the Gospel Doctrine teachers in my ward and as a result I get up in front of my ward every three weeks and share something of myself with them. So he'd seen me, but I hadn't seen him.
Anyway, so he asked me out and we went on a date and we texted a lot and we got to get to know each other. He was thoughtful and sweet and very much what I'd always pictured in a boyfriend, or a guy I was dating. But I began to freak out, because I didn't know what I was feeling. I hadn't ever been in a relationship with a guy before. I hadn't held a man's hand that wasn't my dad, or my brother to make him feel uncomfortable :). I've never been in a relationship.
So as I could see that he was getting more attached, and that he was in earnest about being with me I began to panic. I was at work for 10 hours one day working on a huge project with a whole team. And that day I had been feeling particularly weird about the whole thing, and my brain tends to work overdrive and think all the time. So I whenever I was working on a part of this project by myself and I wasn't distracted by the beautiful people I work with I was left to wrestle with my own brain. I wasn't ready for a relationship. At 18 I was not ready. My brain worked so hard on this and was so out of its league that I had a panic attack. Yes. I had a panic attack about in a relationship. It didn't feel right. If I was supposed to be in a relationship with this wonderful, sweet guy, I wouldn't feel so panicked everytime he called beautiful, or did something sweet for me, or texted me to see how my day was going. But I did. and it was weird.
So I still haven't really been in a relationship. But I have held a guy's hand now. So baby steps?
But still I live in student housing, near a college campus and I attend a Singles ward. So I am literally surrounded by couples. My best friend / roommate up here is getting married at the end of the summer to a guy that I introduced her to. Because by pure happenstance I was in a class with his roommates. One of our other roommates is getting married as well. I am surrounded. And all it makes me feel is longing.
I realize that I am only 19. I also acknowledge the fact that I REALLY don't want to be married right now. I'm not ready, I haven't seen enough of the world. I haven't experienced enough. But that doesn't stop the longing. I still long to be with someone who will talk with me, to have someone who will put his arm around me and hold me close, because sometimes all I really need is a hug.
But enough from the hopeless romantic in me.
Dating, I feel, is becoming a lost art. and the hang out is beginning to take its place. Heck, it's already taken a place. But because dating is becoming a lost art there are a lot of girls out there who feel slighted and lack self esteem because guys don't ask them out.
There are times I want to shake the young men in high school. The ones who say they don't want to go to the dances because they have no one to ask. I guarantee that there some girl out there, probably one right in front of your face who hasn't been asked, who wants to be asked, and who feels hurt and not pretty because she hasn't been asked. All I ask is that you look further than the end of your own nose and help a girl feel loved, wanted, and needed.
Don't let anyone slip through the cracks. Even the girls who ask: Dating? What the heck is that?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)