K-Pop, Why Not?

I've been listening to various forms of Korean Music for 3 days. K-pop, K boyband hysteria, K love ballads. Anything and everything. There's something strangely calming and soothing about the fact that you can't understand the words their singing. Plus I really love their instrumental music style.

That's all.

I'm Definitely Too Young For This

A year ago, on January 1, 2015, one of my very good friends from High School left this world. He left it on his own terms and left all of us shocked. Due to not having a car at the time I was unable to attend his funeral, and was left to deal with the loss of a friend without the support of my friends in person. They were only a call away, but that's not quite the same thing. It was for me a surreal, and sad time.

But I don't think I completely came to the realization that he was gone. I hadn't seen proof positive that he was gone and so I didn't want to believe he was gone. I would constantly have to remind myself that he truly was gone. That he wasn't still studying at the U, that he wasn't still playing his violin. That he wasn't still being condescending in his charming Dallin way.

They say the last step of grief is Acceptance, and I think I'm finally there. 

Today, for the first time in over a year, I found the courage, and a friend, to go visit his grave. With a little bit of help and a yellow rose we found Dallin's grave. I couldn't help feeling, as we wandered around that cemetery, that I was too young to be trying to find a friend's grave. I am only 19 and I was only 18 when he passed away. Ashley and I were too young to be in that cemetery searching for a friend. And then Ashley said "that's what our life is going to be from here on out"

"I guess you're right, weddings and funerals, although I do hope more weddings first."

When I first met Dallin it was in AP World History our Sophomore Year. For most of that year he was convinced I was a robot, and not a real girl

Because I didn't giggle. 

Dallin was a gifted violinist. He could  play anything at the drop of a hat and he could play it better and faster than you. Our Junior year we played Vivaldi's Summer, he was the soloist. And the rest of us groaned because the kid would play at Warp Speed and our fingers would struggle to keep up with his genius. The next year we did a fundraiser concert with all of the Four Seasons. Dallin once again played Summer, and all of us good-naturedly ribbed him about his speed. 

I still find it hard to listen to the Four Seasons without tears in my eyes.

Senior year I wanted a constant quartet to play with throughout the year. As soon as I started to consider it the name for 1st violinist was obvious. There were four of us, as a quartet would denote, and we would get together every Sunday to practice. It was a wonderful experience to be able to play with Dallin, Lauren and Dan every week. They were amazing. They are amazing. We played so many things together. We didn't just play the notes on the page. We made music. We made memories. 

I remember one Sunday when Dallin came with an idea that we should play Always by the Beatles. Well really that he and I should. He had been listening to the song over and over again. Painstakingly picking out the harmonies and melodies, did I mention he had perfect pitch? I ran into that hand written piece of music again earlier this year. He was good at what he did. 

Dallin and I would have long conversations over Facebook. Many life conversations. He made me think deeper than I wanted to. He made me consider aspects of things that I would never have on my own. Dallin's brain was different from mine, genius. He was a thinker, he saw things in life different from the way that I did, and it was fascinating. He wouldn't let me skate by on a "because that's the way it is" answer. He always asked me why. He was like a little kid that way. He never grew out of the "why" phase. And that was amazing. The kid had genius musically and logically, and it was inspiring, often frustrating, and generally enlightening. 

He was someone I shall not soon forget, and I am truly grateful to have known. 

Thank you Dallin, for making me think rather than skate. 

For helping me hear the music. 

For just being you. 

In Loving Memory of Dallin Joseph Shepherd

1996-2015

But If Not

Today on the car ride home from my parents I had a lengthy conversation with my Heavenly Father. I poured my heart out to Him in prayer. I told Him of my current fears, of my struggles. Of my recent triumphs, of my worries. I poured my heart out to Him, and He just listened and responded with little things I needed to hear. Then I told Him of my desire to Trust Him more completely. I have trust issues, I know this about myself. I fail to trust those around me completely and implicitly. I know I need to trust my Savior that way. I know I need to put my full trust in Him daily, because if not then I shall surely fail.

So as I sat down to read my scriptures tonight I was looking at the list of scriptures from Elder Garrett's Missionary letters, trying to decide which one to read. I was directed towards Daniel 3: 17-18 Which reads:

17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.

18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up.

Daniel 3:17-18

I was struck by the phrase "But if not". I was inspired by the fact that, though these boys knew their God has power to deliver them, and faith that he would,  if He didn't chose to save them it wouldn't change their testimony. They trusted Him implicitly. They trusted that He had a larger view of the plan for them and that he would protect them or let them be martyrs as it suited his overarching plan. He loved them enough to do what was best for them.

I knew that I had heard that phrase "But if not" before in conference. So I decided to Google it. Three different talks came up, and I wrote them down for later study. Then I decided to read just one. "But If Not" by Dennis E Simmons given in April of 2004. As I started to read this talk I was filled with gratitude. This was exactly the answer I had been seeking as I prayed for strength and trust this morning. I was struck by this definition of faith:

They knew that faith is more than mental assent, more than an acknowledgment that God lives. Faith is total trust in Him.

Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does. Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not. Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on Him.

But If Not …:p6-p7

The footnote right before this definition is Mosiah 7:33. The moment I saw this footnote I knew that I have inspired friends. For, in his weekly letter home Elder Garrett only included one scripture this week, Mosiah 7:33, which I immediately felt I should read.

33 But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.

Mosiah 7:33

As I read this scripture my heart was filled (as well as my eyes). I knew that the Lord loved me so much. He inspired my friend to include that scripture. He directed me to read certain talks and scriptures that I needed tonight. I may not know the How yet. How to let myself trust implicitly, but I know that it begins with a desire. And I know the Lord hears and answers my prayers. That He is always diligent and He is always there. How I am thankful for Angels that watch over and protect me. For those who reach out to me and love me always. Who help me find those things I need and am hoping for. (“I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. … Always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.”Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

The Lord lives and Loves me. He will deliver me from all my fears. But if not, I know that He lives. That he is real and that there is a bigger meaning behind His leaving me to deal with all mine afflictions.

I will trust in the Lord. 

Music is my Tell All

Today I had some "extra" time while I waited for French, and I finally decided to go through my Spotify and get rid of the playlists that no longer fit me. It's been a long time coming. There were playlists I created this time last year that no longer fit me at all. In fact I avoid some of those playlists even though they have songs I love on them because they have other songs that just aren't me any more.

As I was doing this I started to think about my music listening habits. Admittedly I am one of the strangest music listeners you have ever met. My playlists are a strange conglomeration of about 6 different genres and a multiplicity of different artists. There are many who have commented on my strange music tastes.

However, I also go through phases. Literally every two weeks I fall in love with a new genre or group[ and I can listen to almost nothing but them. So quite frankly if you were to follow my listening habits you could probably track my emotional state, sometimes.

Take, for example, last spring. I was listening almost non stop to electro swing Caro Emerald and 21-pilots. I realized today that I was slightly depressed last spring. It wasn't clinical, and it didn't last very long, probably a month. But I was depressed. I identified with the melancholy found in those lyrics. A melancholy I no longer identify with and actually sometimes makes me highly uncomfortable.

Now Caro Emerald wouldn't lead you to believe that I was uncharacteristically sad, down and melancholic last spring, but 21-pilots certainly would.

Anyway. Music is a tell all to my current mood. I go through stages about love, and all I listen to is Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Michael Bublé and Dean Martin.

I go through movie music phases, I don't know what they say about my mood. Actually currently in that phase.

I go through cello loving phases. Well, okay that's not a phase. That's an always.

I go through Broadway phases, opera phases. I go through pop phases and classical music phases.

My music is as diverse as my personality and my many moods. But one thing stays constant.

Music is always.

"Music is what feelings sound like"

An Actual Hello Walk

When I took my first ever tour of USU, the day before I had to make a decision about where I was going to go to college, the tour guide, one of them ambassador people, told us about the hello walk. The Hello Walk is the sidewalk that starts at Old Main and extends across the majority of campus. The tour guide told us that day that it was named so because you can't walk along it without seeing someone you know.

That day I scoffed. I did not think that would happen. Because I didn't know people. I thought to myself that day that I would never say hello to someone on that walk way, because how would I know anyone in a school, of what, 5,000 people? There was no way on this green earth I was going to know anyone.

And that was the truth for most of my first year up on campus, I maybe saw two people I recognized on that walk. My prediction was coming true. (Also P.S. Davis people, they say USU is a second Davis, but I beg to differ. I've met more Morgan people up here than I've seen Davis people. That is somewhat changing because missionaries are getting back, but I don't see as many Davis Darts as we are all led to believe).

However, I forgot that being social, or trying to be anyway, leads to friends and to knowing people. I have been amazed in the last week and half as this new year has dawned, at the contrast between my two years.

This year there has not been a day where I didn't see someone I recognized on that little strip of cement. And a normal day consists of seeing two or three, and carrying on a couple conversations. This is a complete departure from my year last year, where I hardly knew anyone.

Now I see people everywhere I know and love. College has given me the greatest experiences in broadening my friendships and my horizons. I have friends from last year I'm still in touch with even though they live in D.C. I mean just last night we had a wonderful conversation about the Iran Deal. Which I realized I need to actually read (ahem, sorry Sam for the lack of good conversation).

The Lord works in mysterious ways my friends and He knew that I needed friends, and that I needed to be surrounded by good people and see them everywhere and everyday. He will look out for you too.

So the Hello Walk is for real, I actually say hi, and I try to look up and see the people and sites in front of me. I encourage you to do the same, because the prettiest things are often right in front of us, if only we take a moment to look up, and see.

I Didn't Choose this Club

Tonight I mentioned to some friends that I had a meeting with the rest of the Relief Society Presidents in my stake in the morning. (Oh yeah, I'm the Relief Society President in my YSA ward) Anyway, so someone was all "Oh an elite club" all teasing and my obvious response was: "I didn't choose this club!" And then I started thinking: So thought vomit. Here goes

I didn't choose this part of my life. I didn't.
But the Lord looked down and he pointed at me and said "You, I need you to do this thing".
And He told His servant to ask me to do this thing.
So this man I trust took me into his office and asked me to do this hard thing.
And I said yes.

And then I looked up at Him and said "You know I can't do this alone,
Why choose me Lord? Why choose me? Because I can't hold this alone.
I can't do this alone Lord. I can't do this without you, You have to help me hold this weight"

And He said "Call counselors, and a secretary. Lean on your Bishop.
Lean on me. For I have gone through all things.
I will carry you when times get tough
And I will guide you. Listen to me."

I didn't choose this part of my life. I didn't choose this calling.

But I realized something. I did choose this. I was there.
I was there before this life. And I chose life, and body.

So I chose this club, I chose this hardship.
I chose the opportunity to prove myself.
I chose to follow my Lord.
I chose the only way to come back to Him.

I don't remember choosing, but I did.
And He will help me go through all things.

Those I Never Knew

I've always been jealous of people who know their Great-Grandparents. I feel like I've missed out on something somehow because the last of my great-grandparents died in 1992, a mere four years before I entered the world. I realize that I am blessed to know all four of my grandparents, and I love them dearly, I truly do, but I also sometimes feel like I am missing out on something because I never met any of my great-grandparents.

This week I had the opportunity to delve into the life of my Great-grandfather, John Lynn Esplin. He was the first of my Great-grandparents to die when he died in 1947. Although I haven't yet delved very far, talking with my Grandma about a father that she barely remembers was enlightening and I loved every moment of it.

John Lynn Esplin (1904-1947)

My great grandpa always said that he was born 100 years too late. He loved the outdoors and the range and would rather be out with his sheep all day than in the city. Grandma said that he was out to herd a lot, because he loved it and "If it wasn't for mama he would stay out in the hills all the time."(Jeanette Hugh, May 27, 2015)

Grandma told me that Great-Grandpa had a lot of integrity, and always would see a job through. She also said that the first thing Lynn (Grandma assures me he went by his second name, see comments below) would ask when getting home from being with the herd was where her Mama was.

In 1947 Lynn came down with pneumonia and went back to the herd when he wasn't fully recovered and so was in a weakened condition. Grandma said that one day her Daddy and Lynn (her then 14-year-old brother) went out, but only Lynn came back in, great grandpa didn't come back. It was two days before they found his body at the bottom of the cliff that he fallen off of. Two days, and Grandma was only 10. Grandma wasn't the youngest either, what about Verla, Carol and Jerry? They were all younger, how well do they remember their father?

I was reading through more of my grandma's old blog posts and read how "Daddy read a lot and was especially interested in national and international news, politics, government leaders and national events" (Lynn Esplin, "I Remember May") and thought to myself "So that's where I get it from!" I mean I know a lot of my family is interested in such things, but my parents aren't as passionate about as I am. So now I know. I get it, at least in some small measure, from a man I never knew. 

I never got a chance to meet Lynn. I think I would have loved to sit and chat with him. I think I would have loved to get to know him. I know I would have loved him, and I know that I do love him. I sit here writing with tears of love in my eyes, because I can feel him, feel his love for the great granddaughter he never met in this life, but the great granddaughter he will definitely get to meet in the life to come. 

I sometimes still feel jipped that I didn't get to meet my great-grandparents. But I also realize that because of the great Atonement of our Savior Jesus Christ, I will get to meet them and converse with them and all the others who have gone before. 

And I also realized a couple of months ago, that I don't truly know the grandparents I have now. I was talking to my Opa and had no idea that in college he had majored in biochemical stuff and zooology. So I guess what I'm saying, is perhaps we should treasure what we have and endeavor to learn from those we have in our lives now. The eternities will take care of themselves. And a forever family, is just that, forever.